Log in

No account? Create an account
[ConfideInMe] [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

what is wrong with me. It must be something in the water ; ) [Sep. 20th, 2005|08:54 am]
I've been depressed lately. I don't know why couldn't tell ya at all. It could be so many things but the negative thoughts keep running through my head. Especially the question are my friends truly my friends and if they don't consider me a friend how can I change that. I'm not good at this. I never was. I want to be and I think this what God wants me to work on. So many things so little time. I have to say life can be weird in how it throws you around. The people that come into your life. I have to say I should have never opened the depression issue up. Either myself or satan has taken hold of it and wont let me let go. I just want peace and I don't even care if I'm not happy but I need peace in my life.

I don't think God put me here with a big mission in life. I mean being a good parent and surviving what life throws at you is already a big challenge. The people around me need me and I just have to keep reminding myself of this.

3I thank my God every time I remember you. 4In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Philippians 1:3-11

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.[d] 20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.

Philippians 1:19-26
linkpost comment

do you see what i see? [Aug. 5th, 2005|12:50 am]

you see me smile
you see me laugh
you speak to them
on my behalf

you think im strong
you think im kind
you fell in love
with my heart and mind

you see a princess
you see your one
you see true love
you see a life begun

i see a grimace
i see my facade
to see what you see
would be an act of god

i try to be strong
i try to stand tall
i try to love you
but it's too high, my wall

i would let you in
if only i could
i would open up
if you understood

that i see not
what you see inside
all i see
is my washed-out pride

i've lied
i've cried
i've sinned so bad
my shied
and broken fad

my soul is dead
my mind astray
my facade is breaking
i've killed the cliche

my heart's on display

im broken inside
and try as i might
i cannot get my demons
out of my sight

im trying to fix
what sorely is broken
and trying to mend
those words i have spoken

but done am i now
with this dogged complaint
i go now and rest
in my life, little quaint

for tomorrow i'll wake
and see my new dreams
and maybe tomorrow
will be as it seems

no more facade
no more faking my face
tomorrow i'll stand tall
and i'll take my place

as beautiful and proud
and then you will see
that i'm trying to fix things
tomorrow...i'll finally be me
link1 comment|post comment

Welcome back to me, and such odd timing as well... [Aug. 4th, 2005|07:21 pm]

Well, I'm back. I've been gone almost a year, but now I'm back. A lot has happened and a lot has changed, including me. And such odd timing...today is that last day I will ever be a teenager. I turn 20 tomorrow, and I just can't believe it. i'm such a different person than I was last year. the people in my life have changed. my writings have changed. i'm working now, tho i am still broke (isn't that the human, and American condition?), starting college soon (hopefully, gotta go talk to the college tomorrow). and yeah. i'm gunna have to find some of it and post it for you all.


my goddess it's good to be back.

-small smile-

feels like home.
linkpost comment

DAM [Jul. 30th, 2005|12:59 pm]

[how do you feel? |pissed offpissed off]

DAm i'm so freegi8n pissed.My adopted nice talked to me today when i was getting her out of the bathe and told suff that her greatgrampa did to her.Just makes me sick and i want to go hurt him so bad rt. now but i'll leave it in the habds of god and the LAW.At least now she and her bro are living with their dad rt now so i know that she is safe.I just do nt see how her mom can still be living with the bastered still with out killing him.

After our talk and i'm glad to know that she feels safe talking to me i know she has talked to her dad but hey she may tell me thing that she wount her dad.When we finish talking i went out to smoke a cig. and realy klost it finaly and started to cry i need to but just wished that i could have waited till they were gone but she didnt see me thank good .
This is like reliving the past you see when my cousin of mine was 5 she was malested by her dad and it realy fucked me up cause she is like a little sis to me.So i guess it caues she is the same age as my cousin that it is realy like living the same nightmear over agian i have yet to tell her dad that she has opened to me i want to wait till the kids arent around cause i know i'll break down agian i can feel it already just boiling up inside me. ok thats all for now

linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jul. 30th, 2005|02:31 am]

So...i've been having a bad past few days...Scratched my leg with my fingernail till skin started pealing off.

cutCollapse )
linkpost comment

Update [Jul. 27th, 2005|11:26 pm]

I changed my username from ptandlollypop to carve_me_a_star :)
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jul. 19th, 2005|11:54 pm]
[how do you feel? |lovedloved]
[Sing |Sophie B Hawkins - Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover]

hey kids
I know I haven't updated in a while, infact I don't know if anyone actually reads what I write here but I needed to share this with somebody. I'm a player, this is true. This involves no personal attachment to anybody other than myself, so you can imagine that I am shit scared by Jerome. In under a month this guy has made me feel nothing anyone else I've been with has made me feel: he made me feel special and wanted. He made me give up my player ways and commit to him and him alone.

This is the most exciting and at the same time most terrifying time of my entire life. I've had more sex in the past year than the average person would have in their life but I've never actually had a relationship. In 19 and a half years of life it's always just been me. Now I'm sharing my life with another. I don't deserve him. He is so beautiful and so caring and so smart and so everything. To begin with he was just another conquest for me but I got caught in his net......he owns my heart and my soul now. Time stands still when we are together, I could stay lost in his eyes for hours, and time is a blur when we are apart. What is this emotion that I'm experiencing? Infatuation? Definitely. Love? I don't know.

What I do know is that I feel like the luckiest man on Earth right now......

linkpost comment

here goes nothing [Jun. 26th, 2005|09:50 am]

[how do you feel? |dirtydirty]

Ok well for the past 5-6 months i have been selabet,but thursday that all changed .I met this guy named tory when i was at schhol waiting to catch the bus.we talked the whole way and then he asked if i was doing anything and i told him no i had no plans so we decited to hang out .the netx thing i know we are at his apartment in his room one min. we were watching tv the next he was slowly striping me of my clothing the next we were well you know ....
I am not the type of person who goes home with a guy she just met well at least not scence i was 16 or 17 when i use to drink like a fish so this was a little weird for me and i kinda felt like a slut even though i know i'm not .
now some might say i use to be a little bit of a slut hell i dcant even cout the # of men i have slept with scence i was 14 i could blame on the drugs and booze that i was heavely into back then but who knows .i just thank god that i never got any STD'S or AIDS .
link1 comment|post comment

where is the wise man? [Jun. 20th, 2005|11:39 am]
Where is the wise man?
where is the scholar?
where is the philosopher of this age?
Has God not made foolish the wisdom of this world? For since the wisdom of God the world through it's wisdom did not know him,God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is Stronger than man's strength. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

1corinthians 1:20-27
linkpost comment

happiness overcomes [Jun. 6th, 2005|10:34 am]
[how do you feel? |excitedexcited]

Yet again here I am but now there is this smile.
an overwhelming happiness came over me. Out of nowhere there it was.
a sense of new things to come and freedom from restraint.
The weekend was more then I ever expected. New friends were made old ones where reassured and love is something not to be taken for granted. ; ) I love my friends the comfort they have in themselves and comfort they make for those around them. Its an amazing and wonderful thing to observe.

Its a new beginning for me. A mile stone has been met and this year will see no boundaries. The things to come are an exciting thought. Wow, how far I have come and where I am. God shows us so much and now I know I'm not back at the beginning of my new life.

Will see what these new days will bring. I'm not suppose to leave the detention center. The doors havent shut and the teaching will come again. He wanted me there not just for my testimony but to give the children what they so desperately need. Hope.

I don't want this smile to go away. The thought of where my path is going isn't at all overwhelming. The challenge of what I will need to learn is exciting. To think of helping those through the illness I face. Finding a treatment that works for them and helping them understand the changes there body will face. This is my path. To help those with no hope. To help them see that the light is always right there inside of them. Waiting to shine.

The changes to come. Its an exciting thought.
linkpost comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]